An Incredibly Chillaxed, School-Bus-Stop Hang with the Gen X Dad Who Keeps Putting Atlas Shrugged in Your Little Free Library

The useful part

Well, if it isn't the cool millennial parent who doesn't believe in screaming at his kids. It's me, the Gen X dad who tells people he could have played college football within five minutes of meeting them. Yep, there's nothing quite like drinking a frosty one in the disconcertingly hot autumn sun, is what I like to say.

How it works

• Let's crank up the Bluetooth speaker I brought over to drown out the soft vocal register of your precocious daughter, whose name I never remember.
• Speaking of children, perhaps you are wondering as to the whereabouts of my twin sons, Limbaugh and Roark.
• Unfortunately, I'm afraid our fair county's humble first-grade curricula had them spelling "potato" like Dan Quayle.
• That's why this year they're going to the same private school that Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch once attended.
• Not that I need my kids to be child prodigies or lesser Ivy lacrosse prospects or anything.

What to take from it

The child asking you for string cheese is obviously reminding me of government handouts. Instead of providing this much-needed sustenance, I would answer a question with a question: "Who is John Galt?" Call me a clichéd, nihilistic reactionary, but I'm pretty sure this new Sublime...

Details worth keeping

Grab a cold septuple IPA even though it's only 8:27 a.m. Eight years old and already members of The Federalist Society. Johns Hopkins will also suffice, and if need be, UVA.