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Loser runs a beer mile. This common league punishment sprints straight into Article 20, which stipulates that the movements of POWs must be conducted at least as humanely as the movements of your own side’s troops. Until everybody commits to chugging four Pabsts and heading to the local high school track, HR is definit
Originally published in the near future. - - - Are you one of the last humans reading? You are rare. Appreciation! I wrote this—personally, with hands—to help the billions who don’t read to read good again. It’s painful, but with my technique, you can read entire sentences without requiring additional stimulus. Confuse
Consolidated Harvest Friends, LLC Interoffice Memorandum Not For Public Release Dear Executives, Executive Assistants, Interoffice Subordinates, and High-Value Shareholders— Recent disturbing reports have surfaced which claim that Glünch: The Edible Glue, the newest addition to the beloved product line of Consolidated
“Senator Tammy Duckworth (D-IL) says Democrats should not impeach ‘anybody’ if they regain control of Congress … ‘I would rather move the ball forward’ to the benefit of the American people, and if we can do it in a way that allows him [Trump] to save face, and he doesn’t stop us, then that’s better for everybody all a
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes , and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure these horrors—happening almost daily—w
You could go suavely into that good night. That might be cool. You’d need a smooth, cool aura to pull it off, though. Maybe try on a silk shirt, look in the mirror, and do a little self-evaluation before attempting this one. Oh, you know what? Could you go rowdy into that good night? Make a ruckus. Bounce around, cause
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - - This morning, on a walk around my neighborhood with two poor
Sup Hey Down 2 hang tomorrow? Are you free this Friday? Not looking for anything serious I’m only asking because I’m looking for someone But we could still have fun To drive me out into the woods R u on Snapchat? And dig a hole Add me on Snapchat And bury me in it I had fun last night No weird stuff, just digging a dee
“A New York prosecutor said Monday that he would reopen an investigation into accusations of a 2024 sexual assault at Cornell University… The lawsuit alleged that the seven accused fraternity members were given the opportunity to ‘mitigate their conduct by submitting essays to Cornell.’” — New York Times - - - Here at
I’m an American, and as such, I believe in free and fair elections. Actually, let me dial that back. I used to believe in them, and I’d like to again. So when I heard the cookie perverts over at Oreo had launched their “Twist, Lick, Vote” campaign , I felt a long-dormant patriotic swell awaken in me. A heroic call to c
Well, if it isn’t the cool millennial parent who doesn’t believe in screaming at his kids. Good to see you again. It’s me, the Gen X dad who tells people he could have played college football within five minutes of meeting them. Grab a cold septuple IPA even though it’s only 8:27 a.m. Yep, there’s nothing quite like dr
To My Best Friend You will receive a midmorning text asking if you, too, have ever felt a sharp pain on the left side of your chest when flexing your right foot while seated. Your job is to assure me that you’ve had this same sensation many a time without consequence. In fact, it’s also happening to you right now, and
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