I’m Going to Have a Third Cup of Coffee, and I Need Everyone to Respect My Decision

The useful part

To My Best Friend You will receive a midmorning text asking if you, too, have ever felt a sharp pain on the left side of your chest when flexing your right foot while seated. Your job is to assure me that you've had this same sensation many a time without consequence. When I call to say I feel like I'm going to pass out, you will ask if I've had anything to eat all day, and I will reply that yes, I have, but the forkful of leftover birthday cake I had at 8:45 a.m.

How it works

• Your job each time is to immediately confirm that you are adding me to the doctor's schedule because, yes indeed, Sharp-Chest-Foot-Flexion could be very serious and how smart of me to call.
• Meeting I will be speaking at a pace only seen in clinically diagnosed mania.
• To the Receptionist at My Doctor's Office I will call to make an appointment and then ten minutes later call back to cancel.
• When I cancel once last time, you will reassure me that this will not affect my future ability to book same-day appointments, and also that I am the doctor's favorite patient.
• You will ask about this with great sympathy and agree that my life is full of woe.

What to take from it

To the School Nurse If you call me today to mention that my son ran into another child on the play...

Details worth keeping

In fact, it's also happening to you right now, and you're absolutely fine. You will apologize and agree that this is completely unrelated. Do not mistake this for enthusiasm—I will feel like I'm dying.